Turning of time

[Rose Noble]

Now and again I find myself becoming morose, I didn't even think it would be possible. I remembered back to before I had been made vampyre., I remember stories told by parents to frighten their children into behaving. Monsters in the woods, monsters who would entrance you and take you from home. How true those storied were. Do humans even remember these 'fairytales' were born from truth? Of course they are learning now. As I write this I remember the straw cot, the cold stone walls. Sometimes memories are clearer than other days, though how can you truly forget what tied you to the human world. All that was gone now, more than lifetime ago.

My maker is a gentleman, if such could be applied to someone who took your humanity. For sometimes I believe that is what has gone, but I am unsure if it was drained from me that night, or over the centuries. Or did it slowly erode with the passing of each tide? I have found myself pondering on such thoughts recently, most likely the case of my sullen mood. To mainstream I must find what humanity has left me, so I find myself thinking of my 18 years spent alive.

I am sure people would feel I lead a simple life, but there is always and always will be intrigues and gossip. I myself believed my life would continue and I had hoped to marry and have many children of my own. This is what was expected of me and I had thought this was what I had wanted. I still remember the night that changed, the night what was left of my family was stolen, the night I felt too much grief too bear. I had of course known grief before, but I had a father and brother to look after once my mother had passed. Keeping busy had helped me deal with her loss.

I fear as I pen my life within these pages I will learn more about myself than I wish.

[Rose Noble]

I flit swiftly through a myriad of memories, a place to start...so much could have been lost but I chose to maintain them. Some of importance others not. This past century has seen many events happen within the human world, great advances made many things, science among one. A century may seem a lifetime to humans but to a vampyre as old as some it is a mere blink of an eye. Maybe we moved to fast to announce our existence, but I am one of those who believe it had to happen, and on our terms. To often humans have come close to discovering the supernatural side, but always it could be covered-up, but with these 'paranormal investigators', I still find it unbelievable someone would want to investigate something so insubstantial. But I wander, with humans much more interested in what they can't possibly understand it was only a matter of time before they could produce 'evidence'. A slip-up would surely have occurred eventually, this is my logic for the revelation of our being to such pitiful creatures.

I feel an old memory on the edge, one of my human family whole. It must be winter, the fire is burning with purpose and we sit close listening to father read from the bible. I remember being proud he could read, this was not a common thing, and only those who could afford to go to school instead of work got some education. Of course my mother and I were not permitted an education, I thing I loathe still when I look back. I remember the smell of fresh bread and potatoes, yes, it was a hard winter on most in my village. What time it was I can only guess, but t was dark outside, yet my brother and I had not had our daily scrubbing. I always got lost in my fathers voice, he made reading seem magical, and I suppose it was as it was only chance he had the opportunity to read. A knock on the door brought me out of my reverie and everything seemed to pause as my father stood to answer the door. I'm sure I smiled as I seen my friend standing in the doorway with her family. It seemed they had bee foolish, yes I even then I accused my friends family of foolishness as they had forgot to store their fire logs in a dry place. You have to understand the strain this would not only place on their own house, but on mine, being friends we felt obliged to give them hearth and my father agreed the next day we should all go help lumber logs to keep them warm through the winter. I felt comfort her father truly looked shamed he had failed to supply for his family, and my mother was so jovial she laughed, she must have liked to keep company. Forgiveness is an easy thing for a god-fearing child and as I turned my face back to the warmth of the fire I remember the chagrin I felt at realising our own pitiful home may not keep such a number of people warm for long.

I hang my head now, I must have been young, and naive not to have known that so many in one place could bring more warmth than enough. A memory of a young Rose, one that doesn't bear much fruit to remember, but I believe it is one of the only memories I have of my mother laughing. Now I hold dearly to this as I try to mainstream within human society, as times I feel it helps, though times I feel vulnerable at such reminders.

[Rose Noble]

It can be hard to remember that time, that time as a human; I suppose that is because I had tried not to think too long about the things I had lost. You have to understand that when I agreed to be turned I was full of vengeance for the death of my father and brother. They were all I had left to me in my human life, I had aunts also, but who are they? They were never close to my heart as my own blood, and I did not want to become an object of pity. My father used to accuse me of being obstinate, though I know he pitied me as well, enough for more than one person. He felt the guilt of a father whose daughter had to take on the responsibility at a young age. But I was happy to take on that roll it was what I had been taught and what was expected of me, although there were some things I was unsure of to start with my extended family, what there was of it, soon had me up to speed. I enjoyed cooking, I found it relaxing and rewarding to be able to provide my father with nourishment after his hard day’s work.

Of course there were many downsides to this life, but even at the time at such a young age I was aware I wasn’t the only child in such a position. I also know my father thought, many a times, about taking on a second wife. But I think he just couldn’t get over the loss of my mother and didn’t want to inflict his grief upon anyone else. A memory is coming through of a day I seem to recall that maybe I finally understood something of the feelings my father had for my mother. My first kiss, yes that little memory a teenage girl holds so well. Hmmm ... well I should say my first human kiss with a human boy; I can’t begin to describe how different it is when you have become vampyre. Though I also have to state that I was not one for having many kisses, I was turned when I was 18, and looking after your family takes up a lot of time. In essence I only ever had one human/human relationship. I remember it feeling like a stolen kiss, the first time. We didn’t court for long; as if we had of I’m sure rumours of a marriage would have started circulating, though I cannot say they didn’t. In the years I was human living to 40 was considered an accomplishment, normally children would think you old, nowadays it is merely middle aged. So as you can imagine we married young and had a family young, for me to be single at 18 with no visible courting going on, I am quite sure most people thought I would become a spinster. I remember the local gossips talking about how no one had shown interest in me, which of course interested them as I was undeniably a good catch. Unlike my friends I had been managing a household from a young age, my cooking skills had developed much sooner than theirs, so I knew how to care for a house and a family and still no interest. Though I can’t say I encouraged the local gents to come calling on me, I think I was worried about my father and his prospects if my full attention was taken from him as at this time he had reached the ripe old age of 37, I was sure he hadn’t long left. Though I did not expect him to be taken from me in such an unnatural way, it was so.

I ramble on in this dairy; my thoughts cannot seem to focus with the clarity as I wish they would. The memories of my life as a vampire seep in and taint them, they are stronger than others. When I think of my human years I fear the comparison is nothing, I admit my choice was made of anger and hatred, but I do not regret the choice I made. Even when I think of the things I have done to survive I do not regret my decisions, I made them myself and I accept the responsibility that comes with that.

[Rose Noble]

I remember well the night I lost my little family. The flames still burn in my mind, although the faces dim with time I am sure I could recall them. I can't remember that day, most likely it was like every other, I tidied and cooked and awaited my fathers return. Even after I returned and found my family had perished I did not turn to my friends but turned on my heels and walked. I still do not understand what made me do that, when surely solace from company would be the usual. I must have walked for miles and miles until I was near collapse, with only fields, trees and the night surrounding me. Maybe I wished to perish also? Yet a young man came to me, lifted me as if I was nothing and carried me to his house. If I had been in my right mind I may have protested, but I was grateful for the warmth the fire and a bed provided.

In the morning I found myself looking around, it was quiet and I could not find my rescuer, but one his servants informed me he was away for the day on business and I was welcome to remain and dine with him that night. After a bath and some food I wandered the gardens a bit, trying to control my grief, surely mmy friends would worry. Looking around I realised, that although I had walked far the night before I recognised the landscape, I was at the old manor were the recluse lived. So this was my rescuer!! Gossip had it he was moving to London and renting out this place, maybe that was his business? But no one was ever sure, and I was sure no one had ever met him, that I knew of. Exhausted from my sorrow I retired to the bedroom for the afternoon.

I must have slept longer than I had intended, at least a couple of hours. It was 5pm when I woke and winters early night had descended. I knew instantly someone had been in my room, the candle was lit and a basin of warm water stood on a table by the lit fire. A dress was also laid out by the vanity dresser, such wealth that I had never seen was in this place and I felt guilt for staying. Would they realise I had come from a poor family, would they want recompense for the expenses spared me? A tear slowly trailed down my cheek, it seemed since my father had passed I had only let him down, I should have shown more manners. Now was the time to rectify this, I washed myself and donned the dress before leaving the room. Making my way down the stairs and past the drawing room I passed not one living soul, but I noticed the flicker of a candle at what could only be a study. Finding a bit of courage I stood straight and knocked on the door, as I entered I once again faced that young man. He was so striking he would have stood out in a crowd. Not that he was the only handsome man I had ever met, but he was so obviously foreign I almost lost myself again. I had heard of families dying out with no living descendants but those who lived in France, this must be one of those cases. It was that night I not only learned the truth of the fire that killed my family, but how supernaturals existed within our world without us knowing. This information was not volunteered easily, I feared my life was in much danger that night, but my silence and something else saved me. Kori, for that was his name, admitted he did not know what possessed him to take me to safety, but that he had also watched me run the night before and witnessed my grief and sorrow first hand. He told me of how he had heard me screaming until the wildlife had fled, and that is how he had found me. Though this I do not remember, I am sure it was the truth. Years later Kori speculated it was my sorrow that saved me from him taking me for food that night, he did not want to feed on such a pitiful sight. But why he took me to his is still a mystery, one I shall never know. I how thought long about it, and at most I can only think how he had insisted on seeing something in me that he could mould into a vampire he could be proud of. First hand I witnessed what it was he saw, but wether he made me that way or my true nature had shown myself to him that night I will never know.

I think this story warrants much more detail than I can dedicate to it in this one journal. I must reflect over that year to truly understand eveything. I found myself and found a freedom given to me by my maker, Kori Aodh Gulbrandsen, but back then I was truly a monster, though I did not see it and was never called such to my face. MOst likely for fear of releasing the demon within me, the one who would do anything to protect her family and defend her honour.